London Tube Survival Guide
Issued by the Brazilian Ministry of Foreign Affairs
To ensure that you won't end up with 5 bullets to your head, please consider the following important rules of behavior:
1) Never run
Even if you're late going to work, NEVER RUN to catch the subway -- only
walk slowly (as Englishman Sting sang: "A gentleman will walk but never
run.") It doesn't matter if you miss the subway and your Thatcherite
employer will fire you. Your life is more important.
2) Light clothing
No matter how cold the British climate and the subway corridors,
NEVER WEAR A COAT or other thick clothing, since that could look like
you're hiding explosives on you. We recommend beach attire only.
It doesn't matter if you'll catch the influenza and your Thatcherite
employer will fire you. Your life is more important.
3) White skin
To avoid being confused with Islamists for "walking while black" (or brown), try to GET A WHITE SKIN -- not even a light suntan because that looks even more suspect (Middle-Eastern). For details, you may consult with Michael Jackson.
4) White neighborhood
Living in poor neighborhoods makes you suspect, given the high density of surveillance cameras that will track you on your way from home to the subway. TRY MOVING to a white rich neighborhood.
5) If they're after you
If some shadowy plain-clothes gang starts running at you, STRIP NAKED immediately to show that you're not hiding any explosives on your body.
If they're muggers -- too bad, but your life is more important. Be ready to accept a full body-cavity search, because these professionals know that any asshole could hide a hand grenade.
Issued by the Brazilian Ministry of Foreign Affairs
To ensure that you won't end up with 5 bullets to your head, please consider the following important rules of behavior:
1) Never run
Even if you're late going to work, NEVER RUN to catch the subway -- only
walk slowly (as Englishman Sting sang: "A gentleman will walk but never
run.") It doesn't matter if you miss the subway and your Thatcherite
employer will fire you. Your life is more important.
2) Light clothing
No matter how cold the British climate and the subway corridors,
NEVER WEAR A COAT or other thick clothing, since that could look like
you're hiding explosives on you. We recommend beach attire only.
It doesn't matter if you'll catch the influenza and your Thatcherite
employer will fire you. Your life is more important.
3) White skin
To avoid being confused with Islamists for "walking while black" (or brown), try to GET A WHITE SKIN -- not even a light suntan because that looks even more suspect (Middle-Eastern). For details, you may consult with Michael Jackson.
4) White neighborhood
Living in poor neighborhoods makes you suspect, given the high density of surveillance cameras that will track you on your way from home to the subway. TRY MOVING to a white rich neighborhood.
5) If they're after you
If some shadowy plain-clothes gang starts running at you, STRIP NAKED immediately to show that you're not hiding any explosives on your body.
If they're muggers -- too bad, but your life is more important. Be ready to accept a full body-cavity search, because these professionals know that any asshole could hide a hand grenade.
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