I was in high school and he is graduating in college when I met him. He is kind, gentle and loving. We started dating, spent many times together and built precious memories. A year had passed into relationship and big struggles came along – first, my parents found out and didn’t agree with it so they obliged me to take the relationship off immediately or something inappropriate will be done in the future; second, he has to leave the country for a work. I ignored my family and we continued talking to each other secretly from my family. It was really hard to adapt on the trend of our commitment which is being in the so called Long distance relationship and disrespecting my family that I almost broke up with him. I went into college without seeing anyone. He never failed to call and say how much he loves me and nobody can change it, and he will never leave me no matter what will happen. Being far made us stronger, and it tested the love that we’ve been sharing. He is my happiness and I completed him. I always waited for the 30 days vacation he had once in a year. Within that ample time, we fulfilled the emptiness and longing for each other. The plan was, he will wait for me until I finished my college which will take approximately 9 years – 5years for premed course and 4years medicine proper. To be a doctor is my childhood dream, he knows and respects it.
Through time we never noticed that years had passed and I am now ready for the medicine proper. Unexpectedly, my mom talked to me and informed me she knew that I’m still with him until now. She made me choose between my studies and him, which is unfair on my part. If I will choose him, they will no longer support my tuition fees as they promised and I have to go far away abroad. If I will choose my studies, I should break up the relationship instantly. My heart cried because it’s hard to choose between your dreams and love one. Later that year, I made a decision. I’d rather give up my dreams than leaving him, and besides I can make new wonderful ones with him.
I was here, farther than the thousand miles before. There are sleepless and tearful nights. My conscience blamed me for what I’ve done. I left my dreams behind and what? Fight for him yet useless because we were far apart. When we’ll see each other again? 4.. 5..or 6years from now? But he is not getting any younger. I felt so desperate and depress that I know I cannot forgive myself. This is what I am for as a daughter and as a person. There came to my thoughts of turning my back to my family one day if I’ll continue loving him, and I don’t want it to happen coz I love my family. I’m still young and want to fulfill my dreams. I don’t want to end up marrying him 2 or 3 years from now, I can feel that he will propose that time.
A month before our 7th year anniversary, I let him go. Not because I don’t love him anymore but because this is the best for him. I want him to move on, though hurtful to see him one day he’s in the arms of another else. But I am willing to face that as long as he is happy and contented. I don’t want him to expect from me anymore, because how can I allow him if I myself don’t know what will I be. He never accepted that decision I made. He tried to win me back for many times but I often refused.
After a long time, the communication has ceased and I just put into my mind that he is moving on. I’m still on the process of completing my studies and having a good relationship with my family but I never looked for anybody else. May be the guilt for what I’ve done to him still remains. Wherever he is, I’ll be happy for him. And I kept praying that he will forgive me one day.
Just last night, unexpectedly he called me. He seems alright and we talked like before, we joked about the past and reminisce the good moments. We are both happy that I almost cried laughing. We have so much to catch up and talk about. On the last minutes, he seriously says “…I am sorry for loving you this way coz up to this time, I still love you and I’ll be waiting for you no matter what.” My eyes silently burst into tears and fill the longing deep inside me, all this time I was hiding my real feelings about him but I can’t go back to him. He asked me if I still love him and I answered “Will you believe if I answered NO and if I say YES you will expect again and I don’t want it to happen…I’m trying to forget this feelings and I think it is working…” Then he said goodbye and hang the phone.
I know he was hurt again and it increased my guilt. When can I talk to him again? May be if it is completely healed, but how will it happen if he still loves me? Deep inside I am also sufferring, because it’s a matter of family and dreams against him. If only he could understand and accept everything, may be it will be easier. How can a love that was so pure and strong ended up this way? I failed him. "This will be my one last cry…I promised." When time comes, I may forget the feelings but never will I forget you. And right now, let me answer you unselfishly that "Yes, I still love you."
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